The Idea of the Ideal Catholic Mom - A Worldview Self-Critique

There's something I've been thinking about for a long time, since my days at Franciscan University. The campus demographic is dominantly comprised of charismatic, passionate Catholics, many of whom pair off while in college and get married shortly after. To the outside world, it may appear like an almost-disturbing throwback to the 50's, but FUS celebrates this aspect of its subculture, even giving it front-page treatment on the latest edition of alumni magazine, Franciscan Way.

Lest you think that that I'll only critique secular culture, let's take a good hard look at the worldview I'm plugged into. Here's my basic questions- if you want to be a good Catholic mom, should you be at home? Should the husband be the primary or even the sole provider? Is it possible to live on one income in the new millenium, or do we only think we need two incomes because we live in a consumerist, materialistic culture? Are these ideas biblical? Let's work backwards.

We know from Genesis that God gives BOTH the man and the woman the command to "fill the earth and subdue it" (Gen 1:28). So, from the beginning, work is a part of God's plan for both man and woman. St. Paul tells us "Whoever does not provide for relatives and especially family members has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Timothy 5:8). We also know that the "ideal woman" described in Proverbs 31 was a businesswoman, a merchant, a worker. (She also dresses nicely, takes good care of herself, runs her household smoothly, has a heart for charitable work, and her husband and children praise her. That's a tall order!) What's more, our late great Blessed Pope John Paul II wrote in his letter to women thanks to wives, mothers, daughters, AND women who work! He says:

"You are present and active in every area of life-social, economic, cultural, artistic and political. In this way you make an indispensable contribution to the growth of a culture which unites reason and feeling, to a model of life ever open to the sense of "mystery", to the establishment of economic and political structures ever more worthy of humanity."

With that in mind, consider the following: 69% of students graduating with a bachelor's degree from a private university take out student loans, and the average educational debt load for this demographic is $17,125, according to the 2003-2004 National Postsecondary Student Aid Study. However, many people I know from FUS (including myself) have in the range of $50-$100K of individual student debt when graduating. Say two students with $17K each of debt get married: we're looking at a couple starting off their marriage with $34,000 in debt (and that's just educational debt!). Say they have a baby in their first year of marriage, mom stays home, and dad goes to work earning $44,389 (median household income in the United States, 2004). Let's take it one step further - using Dave Ramsey's recommended percentages for allocating bills, the family puts between 5-10% of their monthly income towards debt. Now, if we were to calculate this WITHOUT considering federal and state taxes and assuming the couple doesn't have consumer debt, we'd be looking at the following conservative estimate: paying back their loans (with a 6% APR) with installments of $275/month, it would take them until July of 2027 to pay this off! By then, their oldest child is 16 and they probably won't be able to him/her with their college expenses.

Say that couple has a combined $100K in student debt between them with the same payoff rate: their oldest child will be 50 before they're done! Forget credit card debt, forget owning a home, and forget paying for your children's college education! In fact, forget about having more children while you're at it - since according to the USDA's 2009 report Expenditures on Children by Families 2009, costs for food, shelter and child-raising necessities will total from $11,650 to $13,530 annually. (For a more personally-accurate figure, check out: www.babycenter.com/cost-of-raising-child-calculator ). What we have here is a recipe for disaster. (For an even more detailed picture, I highly recommend Jean Twenge's Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled--and More Miserable Than Ever Before).

I would further assert that this is a big threat for marriages! A man's sense of himself often comes from being able to achieve results (see: Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress by John Gray to learn more about the hormonal nuances in relationships). If there are financial problems in a marriage, a man's self-esteem will probably suffer. A woman's sense of self often comes from the quality of her relationships, so if the woman is home with the kids and dependent on the husband for income, my bet is that she'll be stressed by the quality of home relationships! Dave Ramsey, in his audio lesson discussing marriage and money, gives several statistics about how money issues are the biggest marriage-buster. If this is what the average alum is dealing with, it any wonder that the FUS divorce rates are just about the same as everywhere else in the United States?!

Am I saying that women should be working full-time outside the home and that's the only solution to this crazy dilemma? Absolutely not!
Am I contesting that it's in the best interest of the child for a parent to be home? Absolutely not!
Do I think that it's in the best interest of our children to grow up surrounded by this type of financial tension? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

The only way to change this situation is to decrease expenses and/or increase income, and doing that means some sacrifice - after all, if we keep doing what we've been doing, we'll keep getting what we're getting. In order to see change, we have to do something different! So there are two options for accomplishing this (or three, if you want to include winning the lottery):

1) taking on extra outside-the-home work. Most people don't want to do this, especially FUS Catholic parents I know. They believe in the dignity of the human family, they love their families, and they want to be home with their kids. That leaves you with...

2) Mom works from home. I happen to think this is the best choice! It requires managing your time and your emotions, but it can be done!

One alternative is for mom to get herself involved in a direct sales business. This can be great because she has the flexibility to set her hours, and change them as the kids' needs change, the family will be helped by the tax benefits of a home business, she can choose a product/service she's passionate about and the people she works with if she decides to build a team, and what I consider the most vocation-honoring part of it: the life lessons kids observe by watching Mom. They'll see her model self-discipline, how to balance work and your personal life, goal-setting, people skills, the list goes on. They learn financial responsibility, personal character, and the dignity of work, and they benefit from the harmony of Mom and Dad's marriage.

Kristin Rogers, daughter of direct-selling leader Connie Kittson, described what it was like to grow up in that environment: "My mom made me feel a part of her business and allowed me to work side by side with her. My mom's direct-selling business became our family business". She goes on to recall having a little desk next to Mom's, and helping with gift baskets, product displays, curling ribbon, and eventually creating entire newsletters and delivering product for Mom.

So, to summarize:
Q: Is the idea of a man being the sole provider biblical?
A: Nope.

Q: Is it possible to live on one income in the new millenium, or do we only think we need two incomes because of the culture we live in?
A: If you went to a private university and have student loans, it's rather unrealistic.

Q: Is it ideal for mom to be home?
A: Sure! - but that doesn't mean she can't do something to contribute towards household income, nor does it necessarily mean that your children will suffer if you do.


Families have to discern these decisions carefully, and they should absolutely follow what they think God wants for them. However, knowing the kind of opportunities available in the US and not finding SOME way to improve your financial situation would be akin to the joke Chris Gardner's son tells him in The Pursuit of Happyness:

During a terrible storm, a man sat on his porch watching the rain fall. The man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here, you have to come with us." The man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the man to come with them. The man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again. An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached. Again the man refused to leave stating that, "God will save me." So the boat left him again. The man drowned and when he went before God he cried, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "You dummy! I sent three boats after you!!"

That's all for now - but there will probably be a Part II :).

PS- If you are one of the few "fortunates" who has no student debt or who married a millionaire, obviously this doesn't apply to you in the same way. But I happen to believe that even if a wife doesn't NEED to bring income to her family, she should still have some 'work' other than her children. C.S. Lewis said: "There are some women who 'live for others' - you can tell the others by their hunted expression". For the sake of your children, you should have some ministry/club/interest in your life besides them so that 1) they aren't smothered and 2) they don't believe they are the center of the universe!